Torn...

When is enough, enough? 

Today I'm feeling mentally fatigued from fighting the good fight.

Because I gained weight last week, I didn't have a cheat day last weekend. So I haven't had any contraband in the last 2 weeks. Been trying to eat REALLY well.

Last night I went to a benefit for one of the kiddos at Schwartz which was a wine tasting event.

I WAS STARVING. 
And because of my caloric intake requirements, I could only drink 8 oz. wine.

I ended up leaving a little early...because it was so difficult to be in a party environment and not able to eat or drink anything! Because my calories were done!

It's exhausting. 

And tonight...Rachael is having a birthday party for Adam.
And I'm OK not drinking anything...

But I'm so TIRED of not EATING with everyone else! Being able to RELAX at a party and just ENJOY myself!!! 
I try to blend in---to feel like I'm indulging as well--but it doesn't always work. (Because I'm NOT.)


I've gone running both yesterday and today...and I find that on the days I run in the morning I am SO hungry all day. 


So here I am, 3:30pm, I've had 900 calories today.
I'll need to eat a little something (probably at least 200-300 calories) between now and the party.
Which leaves like...300-400 calories for the party.
Which is...not much.
So chances are, I'm going to be hungry and deprived AGAIN. 



And I'm so torn...

Because on one end, I want to push through tonight, stay UNDER my calories, control myself.

And on the other end, I'm exhausted! And frustrated! And I feel like I need a break! But I don't want to regret it next week!


Isn't that the basis of internal conflict when it comes to our obstacles? 
"I want to push through!" vs. "I feel like I need a break!" 


Most people would say that you need to make sure that "I want to push through" overrides that "I feel like I need a break." 


I mean, I think it all the time. 

At 6pm at work when I'm tired and want to go home.

At 6am when I don't want to get out of bed.

On the treadmill when I want to push stop.

In the kitchen when I'm faced with delicious food.

When everyone around me is indulging.

I PUSH AND PUSH AND PUSH...


When is enough enough? 




So the jury's still out on what I'll allow myself tonight.

I've decided that there's no "wrong" answer.
Just a decision to make.

Give myself a break, or push through.

And in the end, no one has to live with it except for me.