Since my situation is still a bit undetermined...I won't go into too many details, but I will put something out there, since basically, I'm a wreck.
I dont have a boyfriend anymore.
It seems a bit self-indulgent and dramatic to blog about how I'm feeling right now. But this is part of blogging I think---putting it ALL out there, no matter how ugly it is.
And it's ugly, ladies. My eyes are halfway swollen shut from crying. I just woke up from what I thought was peaceful sleep and started crying again. Those of you who know me well will end up knowing more details about my situation, but as it stands right now, I have taken a step back from someone I love, and I have no bad feelings towards them. We are apart, but not because we don't want to be together. Because our paths didn't match right now in life.
I've only had one other major break-up in my life. And that was a 6-year relationship. And I would never want to compare one to the other or minimize the other relationship...but I am DEFINITELY more upset this time.
Last time, my feelings were complicated. I was bitter--resentful of a lot of things. The break-up was a long time coming so I felt somewhat relieved. I was still upset, of course, but I felt more at peace with the situation. I do not feel at peace tonight.
I'm a mess. I'm a grown woman, who has been crying for hours. I can't sleep. I got a bowl of cereal down earlier but I'm not even sure how it happened. I have honestly never been this devastated in my entire life. I keep thinking that there's somebody that I love sitting alone at his house, missing me--and yet I can't go to him and comfort him. I can't be with the person I love most because ultimately it would hurt more if our goals and futures didn't line up and we stayed together. There is no bitterness or relief in my heart. Just sadness--deep sadness.
I am at this cross roads and I'm afraid. I fear that I won't be able to move on, even if I know I can't be with him---that I'll keep hoping even if its hopeless. I'm afraid that I'll never stop loving him. With my other break-up, the possibilities of dating other people were enticing--I was ready for that adventure despite my feelings of sadness.
Today, I don't want ANYONE but my love. I don't want to see, talk, or be with anyone but him.
And I do apologize, my friends, if this self-pity party seems excessive or dramatic. But maybe a glimpse into what really goes on with an adult break up would be of interest to you guys. And amusing or not, interesting or not, this blog is about ME. And right now, this break-up is the only thing I could EVER blog about.
I also know that for me, I'm going to be blogging about this a bit, since it seems to be therapeutic. At least tonight.
There is an open door with this relationship for both of us that it may be something in the future. My love (which I am going to call him now--he isn't my boyfriend anymore--which is literally one of the saddest parts because he feels like he'll always be MINE) and I are taking time to think about the future. He needs to figure out if he can give me what I want. I need to figure out what's going to be best for me...
Can I give him time? Are you even able to wait for someone you love without driving yourself nuts or sacrificing your independence? But How can I NOT give him time??? I love him.
We have been in casual contact since I left today. Is it healthy to do that? It seems like a poor choice but I honestly feel like if my love sends me a message, I am compelled to answer. I need to figure out what to do about communication too.
I'm confused because...I feel like to really give it time, I need to move on completely. And if we find ourself wanting each other down the line---ready for the same things...then great.
But how do you get "down the line" or "in the future" when you're still in love with someone???
And how do you fall out of love???
Relationships end for a lot of reasons. If the other person breaks your heart or betrays you, you have that "he doesn't want me, someone else will" OR "he's a bad guy, there are better guys out there."
If you fall out of love, you can say, "I dont want this person anymore, so I don't mind it ending."
If you have a volatile relationship you can say, "We don't have fun anymore."
If you resent them, you can be angry, saying, "I don't deserve this."
This relationship did not end because Brian betrayed me. We didn't fall out of love. We weren't volatile--we had FUN everyday. And I don't resent him.
My heart is saying, "RUN, don't walk, back to the person you love."
My head knows this was the right thing to do.
So why is this the absolute WORST I've ever felt??? I feel trapped because I love him. I feel like I'm going to be treading water with this one for a while--so stay with me, it should be interesting as I try to navigate this new chapter in my life...
And for those of you who read this entire, RAMBLING, dramatic, SAD, and pathetic post---I appreciate your support. Even knowing that there are people out there who know what I'm going through is helpful.
More Later.
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