Blog Therapy

I've decided to share this journey with my friends out there in the blogosphere. It really does make me feel better to share how I feel about these recent events in my life.

So...my last blog post was composed around 430 am this morning. I followed it up with 3 straight hours of sobbing. Then I fell asleep sitting up and was able to rest up a bit. And I woke up this morning, sad...but ready to lean on some close friends and get some comfort and perspective.

And I put on my hoodie, yoga pants, fuggs and no makeup (the depression wardrobe!!!) and ventured out to see two of my best friends. Talking to Trish (who tried to feed me pumpkin flavored blondie brownies---I did eat a bite--delicious!) definitely made me feel that I made the right decision. Sometimes you just need a good friend to be a mirror and remind you that the decision you're making, although difficult, is the right one.

Next I headed over to Rachael's, where she fed me soup. (I know it sounds like I'm eating constantly, but trust me---one bite of brownie and a can of soup are all I'd eaten in 24 hours)

She provided her usual un-biased perspective, of course reminding me to take care of myself...

I guess sometimes you just need someone to listen to you...to vent...to cry...and to figure out that maybe you'll be ok one day. Since today, it doesn't feel like it.

And I told my love that I felt that texting was a bad idea. He says he thinks there is hope for us to work this out (which is settling and unsettling all at the same time) and I told him we would talk in a month. So here I am, looking down the barrel of 4 weeks with no contact with the person I love. And I don't know what the outcome will be, but I hope to be a position of less emotion and more logic when I eventually DO talk to him about what we want.

In the meantime, my plan is as follows:

1) Throw myself into work. Remind myself that these children--that are born to be brave and to work for all they get--deserve the best of me. They deserve my smiles and enthusiasm, and I need to leave my emotional baggage at the door when I come to work.

2) Keep busy, especially on weekends.

3) Eat less & exercise--I have been meaning to do this more, and I feel it will help give me a sense of control.

4) Reach out when I need it.

During my breakup in 2008, I rarely reached out to friends, wanting to go through it alone. I have decided I need love and support this time, and will be depending on my friends and family to help me sort through these feelings.

5) Do my best to accept the things I cannot change.

I can only control myself.

I can make certain concessions, but there are non-negotiables here.

And love doesn't always conquer all.

But right now...I love him enough that I'd be willing to work on a lot of things.

Time.will.tell.

Pity Party

I'm blogging about this now because its 4am. And I'm awake and crying. And I would never wake someone up at this hour to comfort me. But I'm devastated.

Since my situation is still a bit undetermined...I won't go into too many details, but I will put something out there, since basically, I'm a wreck.

I dont have a boyfriend anymore.

It seems a bit self-indulgent and dramatic to blog about how I'm feeling right now. But this is part of blogging I think---putting it ALL out there, no matter how ugly it is.

And it's ugly, ladies. My eyes are halfway swollen shut from crying. I just woke up from what I thought was peaceful sleep and started crying again. Those of you who know me well will end up knowing more details about my situation, but as it stands right now, I have taken a step back from someone I love, and I have no bad feelings towards them. We are apart, but not because we don't want to be together. Because our paths didn't match right now in life.

I've only had one other major break-up in my life. And that was a 6-year relationship. And I would never want to compare one to the other or minimize the other relationship...but I am DEFINITELY more upset this time.

Last time, my feelings were complicated. I was bitter--resentful of a lot of things. The break-up was a long time coming so I felt somewhat relieved. I was still upset, of course, but I felt more at peace with the situation. I do not feel at peace tonight.

I'm a mess. I'm a grown woman, who has been crying for hours. I can't sleep. I got a bowl of cereal down earlier but I'm not even sure how it happened. I have honestly never been this devastated in my entire life. I keep thinking that there's somebody that I love sitting alone at his house, missing me--and yet I can't go to him and comfort him. I can't be with the person I love most because ultimately it would hurt more if our goals and futures didn't line up and we stayed together. There is no bitterness or relief in my heart. Just sadness--deep sadness.

I am at this cross roads and I'm afraid. I fear that I won't be able to move on, even if I know I can't be with him---that I'll keep hoping even if its hopeless. I'm afraid that I'll never stop loving him. With my other break-up, the possibilities of dating other people were enticing--I was ready for that adventure despite my feelings of sadness.

Today, I don't want ANYONE but my love. I don't want to see, talk, or be with anyone but him.

And I do apologize, my friends, if this self-pity party seems excessive or dramatic. But maybe a glimpse into what really goes on with an adult break up would be of interest to you guys. And amusing or not, interesting or not, this blog is about ME. And right now, this break-up is the only thing I could EVER blog about.

I also know that for me, I'm going to be blogging about this a bit, since it seems to be therapeutic. At least tonight.

There is an open door with this relationship for both of us that it may be something in the future. My love (which I am going to call him now--he isn't my boyfriend anymore--which is literally one of the saddest parts because he feels like he'll always be MINE) and I are taking time to think about the future. He needs to figure out if he can give me what I want. I need to figure out what's going to be best for me...

Can I give him time? Are you even able to wait for someone you love without driving yourself nuts or sacrificing your independence? But How can I NOT give him time??? I love him.

We have been in casual contact since I left today. Is it healthy to do that? It seems like a poor choice but I honestly feel like if my love sends me a message, I am compelled to answer. I need to figure out what to do about communication too.

I'm confused because...I feel like to really give it time, I need to move on completely. And if we find ourself wanting each other down the line---ready for the same things...then great.

But how do you get "down the line" or "in the future" when you're still in love with someone???

And how do you fall out of love???

Relationships end for a lot of reasons. If the other person breaks your heart or betrays you, you have that "he doesn't want me, someone else will" OR "he's a bad guy, there are better guys out there."

If you fall out of love, you can say, "I dont want this person anymore, so I don't mind it ending."

If you have a volatile relationship you can say, "We don't have fun anymore."

If you resent them, you can be angry, saying, "I don't deserve this."

This relationship did not end because Brian betrayed me. We didn't fall out of love. We weren't volatile--we had FUN everyday. And I don't resent him.

My heart is saying, "RUN, don't walk, back to the person you love."

My head knows this was the right thing to do.

So why is this the absolute WORST I've ever felt??? I feel trapped because I love him. I feel like I'm going to be treading water with this one for a while--so stay with me, it should be interesting as I try to navigate this new chapter in my life...

And for those of you who read this entire, RAMBLING, dramatic, SAD, and pathetic post---I appreciate your support. Even knowing that there are people out there who know what I'm going through is helpful.

More Later.

I'm in a book club, because I'm cool.

Ok. I'm a blogging delinquent. Its because I'm super busy at work. PLUS, spending my free time at home reading my book (which just came in yesterday) for book club this THURSDAY!!!

Its great so far! Pick it up for a page-turner.

And I'll be back to the blog and keeping up with it starting after book club. Whoop!!!

Soapbox.

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. Work hasn't been super easy. Life is good none-the-less.

I have been thinking about life in general. (I know, a bit broad. Maybe a little too serious for a Thursday night?)

Facebook isn't life, I get it. But I've accumulated a LOT of friends on facebook. And I've got to be honest--put it out there...

I'm not sure how I feel about everyone getting married.

It seems like literally everyone is getting married these days. I'm 27, I know...its a prime marrying age...and I really want marriage for myself too at some point. A husband, kids, the whole nine yards.

But isn't there ANYTHING else happening to people?

Maybe its that I'm not on the marriage track right now. Not engaged. Not on the baby track. Don't have a house.

Sometimes I feel like I'm missing the boat. Its hard to see other people doing things you want (or think you want) to do.

Its like there's this ticking clock...GET YOUR LIFE GOING, LAURA...and yet, I'm pretty happy with how it is. I know it needs to move on eventually, and I want it to...

But what's the rush?

Do you ever feel like people miss out on things by rushing???

Guess what? You're going to DIE someday anyway. There are more than a few ways to find happiness. I just have this overwhelming feeling that...just for today...taking deep breaths and walking in the sunshine and helping the kids and hugging my boyfriend is ENOUGH. That I don't need the NEXT step and NEXT step and NEXT step so quickly.

People that have been married for years talk about the days before...when they were still "just. dating." I've got news for all my 27 year old ladies out there just "dating" their men and "unfortunate" enough not to be married...

THIS IS THE FUN PART!!! DO NOT WASTE IT STRESSING OVER THE RING!!!

As for me, the ring and the wedding and the kids will happen someday. But in the meantime, I am not going to apologize for being a single (well, involved) woman!

I feel like I can use this time to be selfish and concentrate on myself. Before life takes ahold of me and I do what we ALL do...focus on everyone else and neglect ourselves. So why not make the most of this???

OK. done.

Get Stoked for Halloween!

Generally speaking, I really enjoy Halloween!!!

I've been trying to come up with unique costumes for some time...I haven't included the "greek goddess" (pretty but typical) or the 20's flapper (I basically wore an old dance costume) OR the year that I went as a Canadian (and wore hunting gear and drank Molson) since they weren't my best.

I really think I hit my stride in recent years.

But a little bit of costume history first...

I think it all started when I was 3, and my mom dressed us up in matching "Sexy Nurse" costumes.

As a 1st grader, my mom sent me to school with a hula girl costume (sent from my Aunt in Hawaii) with a turtleneck to go underneath it. (for modesty--Catholic school!!!)

Aaaaaand I wore it without the turtle neck!!! My mom got a phone call about "appropriate" costumes. Whoops.

As a chubby college student, I enjoyed watching the "Anna Nicole Smith" show. You remember, when she was still chunky and on drugs??? Well, I channeled my inner Anna with a wig I bought at Savers....nothing like sweatpants and lingerie...

There aren't a lot of "classy" photos from Halloween 2007. I was a GOLDEN GLOBE AWARD.

And yes, I carried the giant gold ball overhead the ENTIRE night!!!

In 2008, I opened up a can of "whoop ass", so to speak...

In 2009, took a bite out of crime as a hot cop. Here I am, cleaning up the streets.

And Last Year...

I went as "Miss Pain From the Ukraine."

A kick ass female boxer, whose glove had a sign that said, "I'll f*** you up!!!"

Cheers to this year. I have a big idea. Let's see if it comes to fruition.

STAY TUNED.

Nom Nom Nom

My grandmother was an amazing cook. She taught me how to make her "signature" dishes like kielbasa, pie, chicken soup...and cooking with her make cooking fun.

She's been gone for 8 years now but I still have the cooking bug!

And, like my grammy, I like to make basic recipes my own.

When cooking for a picky "manly man" who likes beef and "strong flavor" (i.e. cheese, butter, salt, unhealthy stuff) I need to get creative with what I make. And today I took my OTHER grandmother's meatloaf recipe and made something a little fun...


French-fried Onion Meatloaf Sliders

I feel like I just have to share the recipe! Especially with you ladies that have football-loving, beer drinking, beef consuming manly men at home!!!

Start with basic meatloaf:

1 lb. 90% sirloin

1/2 packet Lipton Beefy Onion Soup Mix

1 egg

1/3 cup bread crumbs

1/3 cup water

1/4 cup ketchup (optional)

Then, I put the meatloaf mixture into muffin cups . I used nine cups, but it could easily yield 6 larger or 12 smaller sliders, depending on what you're looking for. Baked it for ~15-20 minutes on 400 degrees, until the burgers were cooked.

Use tongs to pull the sliders out of the muffin pan, and place them on a baking sheet. (Extra bonus--lots of the fat and grease stayed in the muffin pan and not on my sliders!) I added French's French Fried Onions on top, and mild cheddar cheese. Put them back in the oven (only a few minutes) until the cheese was melted, and served them on Martin's potato rolls.

DE-LISH, I TELL YOU!

A perfect Sunday afternoon football game food!!! Brian enjoyed his by dipping it in ketchup.

I'd like to end this entry with a dedication...

To true love.

Sometimes you just know when you've found "the one."

Brian + Chicken Alfredo from Olive Garden= TRUE LOVE!!!

Laura's Favorite Things

So instead of the blatant rip off of Angela's "What I'm loving Wednesday", I'm going to blatantly rip off Oprah.

In a new segment I'm coining, "Laura's Favorite Things."

First things first:

I have drank my body weight in pumpkin lattes this week.

This is such a delightful edition to fall. I LOVE LOVE LOVE me some pumpkin latte.

I have played lots of online solitaire. Winning is VERY therapeutic! And no shuffling!

Best deal of the week: Princess puzzle from the Dollar Store!!!

Do not underestimate how awesome toys can be for only $1!

And something for ME...super soft t-shirt from Old Navy.

I put it on and left it on for like 12 hours. It felt so nice. Do yourself a favor and buy one.

And as always, I LOVE Edy's Lime Fruit Bars. Sometimes, I eat one for breakfast. De-lish.

Also, I've gotten several compliments on my mascara this week. Its LANCOME baby.

Does it cost like $20? Yes.

Is that a little expensive? Yes.

Do my lashes look FANTASTIC? YES.

And finally...Its National Physical Therapy Month!!!

I love my job, its amazing, and its a great time to celebrate what we do!

And to dedicate this post to my little peanuts that work so hard everyday to learn the small things we all take for granted...their motivation and toughness is something we adults could learn from!!! They inspire me every day!

Rummy

So you know the post about my frustration and exhaustion level???

About how I was going to move on and not dwell...

Well I've realized something about myself.

That despite my best efforts to vent and de-stress...

Sometimes I internalize my frustration and feelings of inadequacy.

And when you they come out???

You guessed it.

When your boyfriend tries to teach you how to play rummy.

Normal Person Response:

"But Laura, how could your frustration come out then? During a fun and lighthearted card game? On a weekend? with your BOO???"

Yeah, it was ugly.

Rummy and BRIAN bore the brunt of my frustrations.

There was crying.

There was pouting.

There was yelling.

...And there was a smirking boyfriend, who maintained his grasp on reality, mocking me.

That's right. This Saturday, this 27-year-old adult woman threw a TANTRUM over rummy.

Fun Phrases of the Day Included:

"It doesn't make it better that you're rubbing it in. You think this is hilarious, don't you? You enjoy my misery."

"Why don't I EVER win at anything??? No matter what I do, I NEVER WIN."

"You're never going to get this ace. Asshole."

I also accused him of cheating, threw my cards at the couch, and cried into a pillow.

He responded with several different phrases, most of which started with "You're a classic overachiever and a sore loser. stop pouting."

But admitting the problem is the first step right?

My name is Laura. (Hi Laura.)

I'm an overstressed physical therapist that throws adult tantrums.

It doesn't take a rocket scientist to see that my frustration didn't have anything to do with rummy. And of course I apologized profusely, dried my tears and moved on. But I've decided that the next time I want to take a mental health day, I'm going to DO IT.

...and try my hand at rummy again next weekend. haha.