Me + Scale = Not Friends

I'm going to have a pity party. If you're not in the mood to hear my ramblings, stop reading now.


So I finished the Whole30 two weeks ago. Weighed in at 167.4. That was the last time I weighed in.

I was SO excited. So ready to go for my goal. So motivated.


And...following the Whole30 I re-established my diet, with my own modifications. That was 2 weeks ago.

I have had one official "cheat" in 2 weeks, which was eating the chocolate covered strawberries that Brian bought me for Valentines, and eating a piece of red-velvet cake. I had decided to have a cheat meal during the week, so this counted as it.

I have had 2 or 3 days where I "cheated" by going over calories. But all these days I was only over by 200 calories or so. And all other days I did well. I typically went over my calories by eating too much nuts or peanut butter, which I plan on changing but it wasn't exactly an earth-shattering cheat.

I have worked out 9 times in the past 2 weeks.

I have:
-Drank Zero alcohol
-Eaten Zero dairy
-Maintained calories
-Refused to partake in: CAKE, ICE CREAM, CANDY, RICE @ HIBACHI, DRINKS, APPETIZERS, DINNER ROLLS, DESSERTS, SUSHI, POPCORN. (When I wanted ALL OF THOSE THINGS.)
-Started doing more strength training. So that I can tone up.

And...


I GAINED 2 POUNDS. 

Current weight: 169. 


Not to be vulgar, but...

What the F*** is that all about?????


I've heard it all, believe me...

"It's just muscle since you're strength training!" (This may be true...somewhat...but not two pounds worth)

"It's just bloat...are you about to get your period?" (Next week)

"It's natural to go up and down." (This coming, normally, from someone not dieting who did not refuse umpteen delicious foods in the past two weeks and work out even when they were exhausted.)

"Are you writing down everything you eat? Watching your sugar? Getting enough protein? Eating enough?...etc." (The answer to all---YES--I think about this day and night like its a job.)

"Weight isn't the only important thing. I'd be happy weighing 170 if I looked good." (But you DON'T weigh 170. For someone trying to lose 90 pounds, weight is actually VERY important.)

"Maybe it's a sign you've lost enough." (Maybe you should go fuck yourself.)

I'm venting here for several reasons: 
1. I need to have my pity party so I can wrap my head around this, and go through the grief cycle.
(Don't laugh. When I've worked hard and I gain weight---I legitimately go through a mini version of the grief cycle. DENIAL (I weigh myself again to be sure), ANGER & SADNESS (I cry, looking at the scale, then cry alone for several minutes, feeling sorry for myself and allowing myself all those thoughts about how this isn't fair, and it's so hard, and I've worked so hard...etc...and then I vent it all out in a rambling blog--the ANGER stage--so I can process the emotions. Then I BARGAIN...by trying to rationalize things (I haven't pooped enough, I am bloated, I'll lose more next week...) and then ACCEPT. That I've gained. And I need to figure out why so I can move forward.

2. For me, weight gain is truly heart-breaking. Imagine, you work DAILY for something. And BAM, it's just...NOT. HAPPENING. It's hard. I need to feel upset first before I become motivated.

3. I'm ready to formulate a new plan. So I'll talk it out here.



Why I (TRULY) think my weight is higher: 

1. I ate too much nut butter/nuts and my calories (overall) were too high.

2. The majority of my extra calories were consumed in the evening.

3. Strength training did POTENTIALLY add a marginal amount of muscle, and thus, weight.

4. I have been mildly constipated and I DO need to poop. Truth.

5. I am at a plateau from a long time ago (middle school) where I maintained a weight of 167-170 for over two years. My body is comfortable here, and is trying to stay in this set point/zone.

6. My body is adjusting to my "real" diet after the Whole30 and didn't know what to do with the few processed foods I did eat.

7. Some people have trouble losing weight. And I am one of them.



My plan: 

ONE WEEK.

-No nuts or nut butter.
-Calorie control and CONSISTENCY. No days over 1700. Normally I aim for 1600-1650 but then I cheat more and my "off" days are 1800-1850 with lots of eating AT NIGHT.
-Add prune juice daily to decrease constipation.
-Continue with exercise as normal.
-Breathe.


I'd be lying if I said I wasn't really disappointed. I know this is a journey but it's really difficult sometimes. I believe I can do this--it's just hard when you have a bad week or two. Because I've been doing this for 14 straight months now...and I just want to see consistent progress.

Here's hoping that I have better news to report next week.