I have good news and bad news.
The good news is, I have stopped spending large chunks of my day crying. I am officially functional again. (A little foggy, and forgetful. Distracted--but ok.)
The bad news is...I am completely confused.
Let's add some background info to this whole thing: I am scared of being alone.
That's just the honest truth. Not afraid of being alone right now, necessarily...but alone LONG-TERM. I want marriage and children in my future. My twenties are MINE, and I don't mind being independent for now. But ultimately, it will be a DESTROYER of WORLDS if I am alone, at, say, 40. I just don't see myself being OK with that.
I get it, I'm 27, not 40. But I don't want to make choices today that set me up for disappointment and anxiety down the line. And so, I'm afraid. I'm nervous that I'm going to be too forgiving, wait around too long--and end up in a place I don't want to be.
But that's not the only thing I'm afraid of. (Wow--lots of FEAR happening around here huh?)
I'm afraid of leaving this relationship behind me too quickly.
I don't want to cut and run because I'm AFRAID and lose something great.
I don't want to spend the next few years wondering WHAT IF. What if I had been more patient? What if I had followed my heart and not my head? What if I abandoned the love of my life when he needed me to stay?
Back in 2008, Trish and I went to Oktoberfest in Newport. We got tipsy, and on the walk back to the car, decided to go to a palm reader.
Trishy's reading was great--the lady said she was going to meet the one within 6-8 months (she met Adam 7 months later, for the record) and everything was rainbows and butterflies. Sidenote: I spent those 7 months watching Trishy's love life closely--and secretly hoping she'd met Adam a little earlier or later and that damn palm reader hadn't been so RIGHT about things!!
My reading was not so, AHEM, favorable. (at least, at the time, it REALLY upset me)
I was 6 months out of my LONG LONG term relationshp--still healing, but starting to feel lonely and ready to meet someone. (looking back--I was SO not ready!)
The palm reader told me a bunch of things, which I perseverated on for a while--that I wouldn't find another relationship for 2 years (cue Brian in 2010) and that I shouldn't force it...unless I wanted to get divorced. She told me once I found the one, I would have a long and happy life. She told me something else that makes more sense to me today than it did then.
She looked me in the eye, and said, "You need to be patient."
Then, it seemed like something to be said to make me stop freaking out over what she had just told me. I focused more on the other things she told me, ignoring that statement. Assuming it meant, I'll have to wait...I wonder what she meant about it, now that its 3 years later.
It has been suggested, by those close to me (cough cough--Lane) that PERHAPS I am allowing the bad experience I had in my long term relationship (feeling strung along, mislead--feeling like I stayed too long and wasted my time) to make me impatient with this relationship. Too likely to cut and run if I feel like it might go wrong. Food for thought.
I was venting to Lane about feeling like my current love is making his decisions about his life based on FEAR. And I said I didn't think that was any way to live.
But aren't I doing the same thing?
Running away because I'm afraid of what might happen? That's not to say I should be FOOLISH--not everything works out. But, if there's HOPE...should you stay or should you go?
Does fear get in the way? Or is it your body's way of telling you...
'NO! We've been here before! Nothing good can come from this!!!'
I have a lot of soul-searching to do. Thinking. Trying to determine what I am capable of doing and what I'm not. Ultimately, it will probably be a game-time decision---something I don't make until 3 weeks from now.
HOW OFTEN SHOULD FEAR TO DICTATE OUR DECISIONS AND OUR LIFE???
And at what point does "patience" become foolish?
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