Family Ties

So, it goes without saying that this has been a tough and confusing month in my life.

I'm surviving, doing what I need to do, and managing to have fun...but there are moments it's been difficult.

As a person who doesn't like blurred lines and ambiguity, its difficult to accept that I need to "wait and see what happens" with my current situation.

And so it causes a lot of anxiety, to be honest.

But the good news is that this week was THANKSGIVING.

Also, we are planning a surprise 25th Anniversary Party for my Aunt Mimi and Uncle Mike tonight! So I've spent lots of time with my cousins and family...

Its been great to have fun with people that have always been there.

Its also nice to enjoy a holiday that has meant so much to me for so long...I love Thanksgiving. And even though my life was in turmoil this year, its nice to know that some things don't change. Like eating turnips, stuffing, too many desserts, and awkward family conversation.

Sometimes it seems like no one can ever know you as well as the people you grew up with.



And I love them! Only 200 days till the next Cousin-Fest!

Just Swing

Its been a little while since my last post.

And I've been doing a LOT of thinking.

Lots of stuff going on.

Wishing my life was resolved.

Wanting to fast forward to the HAPPY, erase the turmoil of now...

More than one friend said to me this week,

"Your life could be a reality show."

Which is good for a laugh, but...I'm not 21.

I don't want my life to be like an episode of the Kardashians. I enjoy some excitement, but ultimately, I don't like limbo. Don't like blurred lines, ambiguity, and not knowing where I stand with people. Maybe it removes the mystery in life, but I think mystery is overrated.

I like honesty. Passion. Trust. Courage.

Mystery is bullshit.

But there is something AMAZING about being in a place where possibilities are endless.

Nothing is written in stone...and my life can be whatever I make of it.

I went up to Maine with my Dad last week to help close up the cabin for the winter. While he was draining the pipes I found some old pictures of my Grammy's...and one in particular of me that I loved. I'm about 3-4 years old. I'm on the swing that my grandfather built for me, bundled up, pumping my legs to get higher, and I look completely THRILLED to be doing exactly what I'm doing at that moment. The little girl in that picture thinks that swinging is the most awesome thing that's ever happened. No worries about the future, no stress or fear.

Just swing.

And as much as it's tempting to feel like you can never be young again, never go back to where you were before...stress about the future does not get you what you want. It only distracts from the wonderful moments you can experience NOW. I don't want to waste my life while I'm trying to control it.

And you never know when the next great moment is around the corner.

So I'm going to breathe.

Just swinging...

on my mind today.

“I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious Ambiguity.” -Gilda Radner

“When you're young, your whole life is about the pursuit of fun. Then, you grow up and learn to be cautious. You could break a bone-- or a heart. You look before you leap and sometimes you don't leap at all because there's not always someone there to catch you. And in life, there's no safety net. When did it stop being fun and start being scary?”

“The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” -Benjamin Franklin

"I know that everything good and excellent in this world stands moment by moment on the razor edge of danger and must be fought for."- Thornton Wilder

“Absence is to love what wind is to fire; it extinguishes the small,

it enkindles the great.”

“Hope is a good thing. Even the best of things. And no good thing ever dies.” -Shawshank Redemption

“Three words to sum up all I’ve learned about life. It. Goes. On.” –Robert Frost

If its love...

And we're two birds of a feather,

Then the rest is just whatever.

What Are We Afraid Of?

Its been over a week since the break heard round the world.

I have good news and bad news.

The good news is, I have stopped spending large chunks of my day crying. I am officially functional again. (A little foggy, and forgetful. Distracted--but ok.)

The bad news is...I am completely confused.

Let's add some background info to this whole thing: I am scared of being alone.

That's just the honest truth. Not afraid of being alone right now, necessarily...but alone LONG-TERM. I want marriage and children in my future. My twenties are MINE, and I don't mind being independent for now. But ultimately, it will be a DESTROYER of WORLDS if I am alone, at, say, 40. I just don't see myself being OK with that.

I get it, I'm 27, not 40. But I don't want to make choices today that set me up for disappointment and anxiety down the line. And so, I'm afraid. I'm nervous that I'm going to be too forgiving, wait around too long--and end up in a place I don't want to be.

But that's not the only thing I'm afraid of. (Wow--lots of FEAR happening around here huh?)

I'm afraid of leaving this relationship behind me too quickly.

I don't want to cut and run because I'm AFRAID and lose something great.

I don't want to spend the next few years wondering WHAT IF. What if I had been more patient? What if I had followed my heart and not my head? What if I abandoned the love of my life when he needed me to stay?

Back in 2008, Trish and I went to Oktoberfest in Newport. We got tipsy, and on the walk back to the car, decided to go to a palm reader.

Trishy's reading was great--the lady said she was going to meet the one within 6-8 months (she met Adam 7 months later, for the record) and everything was rainbows and butterflies. Sidenote: I spent those 7 months watching Trishy's love life closely--and secretly hoping she'd met Adam a little earlier or later and that damn palm reader hadn't been so RIGHT about things!!

My reading was not so, AHEM, favorable. (at least, at the time, it REALLY upset me)

I was 6 months out of my LONG LONG term relationshp--still healing, but starting to feel lonely and ready to meet someone. (looking back--I was SO not ready!)

The palm reader told me a bunch of things, which I perseverated on for a while--that I wouldn't find another relationship for 2 years (cue Brian in 2010) and that I shouldn't force it...unless I wanted to get divorced. She told me once I found the one, I would have a long and happy life. She told me something else that makes more sense to me today than it did then.

She looked me in the eye, and said, "You need to be patient."

Then, it seemed like something to be said to make me stop freaking out over what she had just told me. I focused more on the other things she told me, ignoring that statement. Assuming it meant, I'll have to wait...I wonder what she meant about it, now that its 3 years later.

It has been suggested, by those close to me (cough cough--Lane) that PERHAPS I am allowing the bad experience I had in my long term relationship (feeling strung along, mislead--feeling like I stayed too long and wasted my time) to make me impatient with this relationship. Too likely to cut and run if I feel like it might go wrong. Food for thought.

I was venting to Lane about feeling like my current love is making his decisions about his life based on FEAR. And I said I didn't think that was any way to live.

But aren't I doing the same thing?

Running away because I'm afraid of what might happen? That's not to say I should be FOOLISH--not everything works out. But, if there's HOPE...should you stay or should you go?

Does fear get in the way? Or is it your body's way of telling you...

'NO! We've been here before! Nothing good can come from this!!!'

I have a lot of soul-searching to do. Thinking. Trying to determine what I am capable of doing and what I'm not. Ultimately, it will probably be a game-time decision---something I don't make until 3 weeks from now.

HOW OFTEN SHOULD FEAR TO DICTATE OUR DECISIONS AND OUR LIFE???

And at what point does "patience" become foolish?

Working through it...

I feel like I've really leaned on my friends these past few days.

I have felt so loved and so supported. I can't express how much it helped me to know my friends were thinking of me...to get a phone call from someone just to check on me...it's incredibly comforting during a time that is going to inevitably be quite difficult.

After spending time with Rachael and Trish on Sunday (and subjecting their respective Adam's to my dramatics), I went back to WORK on Monday.

Looking pretty bad. Tired. Red eyed. Sad.

I was asked by many people "Are you ok?"

My answer was, "No. But I can't talk about it right now."

And so far, the kids have been the only true happiness I've experienced in the last few days---thank GOD for those kids!!!

I spent last night @ Lane's house having a sleepover. I ate more at her house than I have the last few days (my eating habits are still screwed up.) And definitely got yet ANOTHER perspective on my situation. So we'll see what happens. It was great to hash it out. Cry it out. Etc.

I woke up this morning immediately SAD. Cried in Lane's shower. Cried all the way to work. ALMOST cried at the computers AT work but got it together.

...my emotions have evolved. I now spend most of the day logically pretending I'm fine with things as well as focusing on work. This is sandwiched in between bouts of crying, but I'm doing OK.

I've decided to take this day by day. Decide what to do as I go. Follow my heart but not ignore my head.

I'm not sad this minute, I think I'm in denial.