A Fear of Failure

One of the reasons that I let my weight get out of control was my fear of getting started.

Deep down, I knew I needed to lose a LARGE sum of weight. The thought was daunting. The fear that I would try and fail plagued me. I convinced myself that I had control over my body. That whenever I wanted to lose weight, I could. That my fear had nothing to do with it. That it was a choice.

Facing the demon was an act of sheer frustration at first. I was disgusted with myself. I was also motivated by the idea of CONTROL. In a period of time (last December) when my life felt OUT of CONTROL, I used this new endeavor to get the power back.

And it WORKED.

For months. Nine months. Even this summer, when I was plateaued, I knew that it was because I had relaxed my diet and exercise. I was in CONTROL of my body.

I just KNEW that as soon as I re-committed to this, I would continue to drop weight.


And...

I'm just STUCK.




I was so angry last week. Bitter that I gained a pound.
Now I just feel like an absolute failure. 

I find myself, today, facing my greatest fear. I am afraid I won't be able to keep doing this. That I am not strong enough. That, like my mother, there is something WRONG with me. 
I've watched her struggle. I convinced myself that I'm not like that. I'm stronger. I can do it on my own. I can face my weight loss without gimicks, surgeries, Biggest Loser style 6-hour workouts, or crash diets. 


This is the first time since I started this that I'm honestly doubting myself.
Keep exercising five times a week and not losing weight.
Keep pushing when I'm tired or upset.

The reality is, my diet hasn't been PERFECT.
But it's been pretty darn good.
I've been wracking my brain trying to figure out what's happening. WHY CANT I LOSE MORE WEIGHT.
What am I eating wrong? What am I DOING wrong?

So, this week, I am making the following changes:
1.) I am keeping a detailed food diary. 
2.) I am going to ELIMINATE sources of empty calories that appear to be issues for me.
     a) No popcorn at trivia (OR IN GENERAL)
     b) No cool whip on my sugar free pudding
     c) No alcohol (Not that I normally drink any)
     d) No snacking at work
     e) No extra delicious shit. (Like the occasional pumpkin latte.)


I guess I just feel defeated. I know it's my fault. I'm the one that eats the food, I'm the one that exercises.  No one is responsible for this except for me. But these feelings of fatigue and stress and frustration are starting to take over.

Work has been stressful. Long days. I get home and I am so TIRED. And then I start thinking, "What's the point of putting myself through this? Another work out to not lose any weight?"



But the workouts aren't the problem. The food is the problem.


I eat too much. 


And someone who has never struggled with this would find it hard to understand...but...there are times that the compulsion to eat is so strong that it's like torture to resist it.

And because I'm so tired and frustrated, I just...give in.

Make the bad (or not as good) choice because I'm just so damn tired.

Tired of fighting with myself for YEARS over this.

And being angry won't help anything. But I'm angry.

THIS ISN'T FAIR. 


Why am I so messed up that I can't just DO what I need to DO? 
Why does it seem to be so much harder for me to make good choices? 
Why is it SO DAMN EASY for SO MANY PEOPLE and SO F***ING HARD FOR ME????


I feel that, if I don't get control over these negative thoughts and emotions and take the CONTROL back from the food, I will fail. I will fail because my resolve is slowly crumbling.

And the reality is, no amount of "you look so skinny!" or "don't worry its all muscle!" makes a person feel better when they know, deep down, that they are failing.