Everything Happens for a Reason

So the URL address for my blog includes the term "brutal honesty."

This post is going to be EXACTLY that.

Its been two months since my relationship ended. Two confusing, emotional, turbulent months.

Everyone around me seems BLISSFULLY happy.

(But I think that's always the case when your life feels like its in the shitter.)

I am ping-ponging between two very distinct emotions/coping strategies.

1.) Self pity, laced with bitterness, moody-ness and pessimism.

2.) Optimism, hope, motivation, excitement. Looking forward to the next chapter.

At this EXACT moment...#1 is winning.

I know that, logically, #2 is accurate. Pain is temporary. Confusion gradually fades. Over time the clouds lift. Everything happens for a reason.

I also know that, right now, every time some happy, settled person tells me, "Everything happens for a reason", I want to scream at them.

NOPE.

Sometimes bad things happen to good people.

We TELL ourselves that "everything happens for a reason" so that we can wake up the next day with HOPE, instead of feeling like driving off a cliff. We tell ourselves that there is a master plan, that will all come true. Bottom line, sometimes life isn't fair.

Sometimes you get lonely. Sometimes relationships end. Maybe there isn't any point. Maybe things DON'T happen for some big, cosmic reason, other than...that they just happen.

And I've had moments this week where I have indulged my more...frustrated and pessimistic side.

It makes me feel weak to admit that. I want to believe that logically, I can conquer my feelings of bitterness and frustration in order to move on to BETTER things...and I know that I NEED to conquer these feelings in order to do so. But right now...I'm just....

ANNOYED.

My inner dialogue sounds a lot like,

"Seriously? Why does this have to be so complicated?"

CONFUSED.

Am I doing something wrong?

I don't really believe in self-denial. If multiple relationships don't work out, you have to face the possibility that maybe the common denominator is YOU. Or maybe its just life. Not my time yet.

EXHAUSTED.

I am SO not in the mood to start dating again.

Its not fun.

I'm not 19.

I don't want to make out in a bar, and then text you so we can meet up.

I want a GROWN person.

But that takes work.

And I'm feeling tired already.

Ah, well. I need to buck up. Feel good about myself. Just do my thing. I am not happy with every aspect of my life right now. But I need to focus on controlling what I can control. Which brings me to my next point....

I am getting fat.

I need to work out more, eat better, and get into better shape. Get it tight, get it right.

I think I'm going to hire a trainer. Just once a week. Keep me honest.

And maybe, by next year, I'll be one of those people who is in love. Drinking the kool-aid. And saying things like, "Everything happens for a reason."

Then again, maybe not. ;)