Get Useless In Eustis

Last weekend was important to me. 

Emotionally crucial. 

There are moments in life that you need something. 

Closure. Peace. Happiness. 

PERSPECTIVE. 

Following the loss of my friend, hero, and mentor, my Grampy AKA Big Ed, and given the news that my parents plan to sell the cabin in Eustis, Maine, that he used to call home, I was devastated. 

The idea of leaving a place of so many memories. So much happiness. It's crippling and painful. Not to be dramatic, but it is. Incredibly hard for me. It's like closing yet another door on a chapter of my life that contained Grampy, and all his love and influence. 

Grampy's "camp" as he called it, is nestled on Eustis Ridge, which is in Eustis, ME. Those familiar with Maine may know that Eustis is close to Sugarloaf Mountain and Rangeley. Those unfamiliar with Maine--it's WAAAAAAY out in the midwestern corner of Maine, 25 miles from the Canadian border and 50 miles from the upper corner of New Hampshire. Back in the 1940s (I'm like 90% sure that date is accurate), Grampy's dad (My GREAT-grandfather) bought the cabin (and many acres of land) for $1.

What can I say. It pays off to do favors for people sometimes. 


Grampy spent all late spring, summer, and fall in Maine each year. He loved hunting, being in the woods in his jeep, and everything about Maine. And he LOVED that cabin.

I started thinking--I need one last "hurrah" at the cabin. One last weekend there, to soak up as much Grampy and Maine and "the camp" that I can. To re-live memories. To make new ones.

My best friend Lane came to the cabin several times when we were young, and has great memories there as well. A couple years ago, Brian and I enjoyed an evening at the camp with Lane and her fiancee Brent--drinking, playing cards, you name it. And when Lane said she wanted to come up again and have one last hurrah with us--I jumped at the opportunity.


And so we enjoyed a fun filled weekend in Maine.

Starting with a hike to Cranberry Peak 

Complete with awesome finds at "eclectic treasures" like this giant knife

Potato Gun Fun

Drinking Hats 

Sparklers 

And a generally awesome time. 

I was able to show my closest peeps the cabin in more detail. Where my swing was. Where my trail used to be. Show off my walking stick, which is still there. Sit in the adirondack chairs and take pictures near the "ridge lodge" sign. Show where the blueberry plants were, where Lane and I walked in the woods, and where we went for prime rib. Drink coffee out of Grampy's cup. Black, just like he took it. Sit on the porch and watch the morning sun. Eat blueberry pancakes, and eat Cherry Vanilla ice cream (Grampy's favorite.) Watch the Red Sox. Found an old map where Grampy marked off places in the woods. Remembered with each passing moment just how AMAZING my grandfather really was.

The greatest moment for me was this--Ginger Brandy. 

Grampy's favorite. 

He started this bottle on his 92nd birthday in March. He obviously never finished it. 

And so we finished it. 

It was like having a drink with him. I could feel him in the room. Could feel that I was doing the right thing, smiling and laughing and reminiscing, instead of crying and mourning something that could easily feel like a great loss and just overwhelm me.

Because Grampy hated to see me cry, I didn't cry. Because Grampy knew life was sweet and enjoyed each moment with friends, I did so too. Because Grampy was resilient, I am going to handle this loss. (Both Grampy and his legacy at the cabin.) 


This was really something special to me. I feel like I spent the weekend with good friends, but also, with my grandfather. I felt like I needed this to come to terms with this change in my life, and to move forward. I was thrilled to spend such an important experience with people who are important to me. Their support made this weekend amazing.
And I'm LUCKY that I had such a wonderful Grandfather that I can feel this SAD, HAPPY, PROUD, and OVERWHELMED at the same time.


Here's to you Grampy. You are the inspiration to lead a full life. 

BREAKTHROUGH

I'd like to share a few things. My previous post re: being "off the wagon" triggered something in me; I decided to track my food for 12 days in a row, and weighed in today...

And guess what? After months of losing and gaining, never getting UNDER 164...

Today I weighed...

I am re-invigorated and so excited! 

13 POUNDS TO GO.

I also thought about the whole thing. 

What caused my decrease in motivation, my change in priorities. 

I broke it down to: going WAY off the wagon during vacations, yes. Bad habits, yes. 

SLIPPING BACK INTO BEING A FAT KID. Admittedly, yes. 

But that wasn't all. 

...Part of it was a slight change in mindset. 

About PRIORITIES. 

And food doesn't define "good times" for me...but...

There's something to be said for enjoying life. 

When Grampy died, I started thinking. 

"What's life without an occasional bowl of ice cream?"

Ice cream being a specific example but also a generalization for "enjoying life." 

Somehow, counting all my calories and being obsessive felt unauthentic while I was mourning Grampy. 

Someone who would NEVER have counted calories. 

Someone who supported my weight loss and was proud of me, BUT also shook his head at the obsessive-ness of my food journal. 

And I realized...there's a way to be disciplined and meet my goals. 

But I also realize that it's important to me to find balance. And occasionally let go and enjoy. 

And THAT, my friends, will be the place of the most happiness. 

In the meantime, I'm going to appreciate what I have. 

I am going up to Maine today, with Brian, Lane, & Brent, for one last "hurrah" at the cabin. 

I will drink Ginger Brandy, eat ice cream & prime rib, hike, and laugh--all in Grampy's memory. 

And keep in mind...(regardless of the scale or my eating choices...)

Vent

I don't know what's wrong with me.

I'm really struggling with my eating. Over-eating frequently. (Luckily it's normally healthy stuff and hasn't resulted in weight gain)

I want sweet stuff. I'm tired of eating veggies constantly. I'm tired of exercising constantly. I'm burnt out. And I'm not even working that hard!!!

I'm not sure what my problem is.
I have nothing to complain about.
And I need to get motivated if I want to lose more weight.
PLUS if I keep eating this way, I'll GAIN weight back.


WHAT IS MY PROBLEM. Ugh.

Why are some people like this? Why do I struggle so much to control these impulses. I know other people know when to say when. And I wish I were one of those people.

I CAN control it to a certain extent. (obviously. since I've lost weight so far.)

But it's exhausting to control myself ALL THE TIME. And then I burn out. And eat. And crave. And it's a cycle.


I need to figure this out. Just had to put it out there to be accountable to the fact that I'm struggling and not on track.