Even as a toddler I was "chubby." Even in my "thinner" years, "thin" didn't really apply. I don't want to feel sorry for myself. I think my weight is my own responsibility. But it's hard to describe to people what it feels like to be fat.
How, even at your THINNEST, you are still the biggest person in your group of friends.
For me, being only chubby (and not obese) is my "thin."
I wasn't sedentary growing up. I played outside. Enjoyed moving around. Never SUPER fast at running, never the highest jumper. But not a kid that sat inside, ate two pizzas and played video games.
But still, the weight crept up. As a teenager, I struggled with self esteem issues. Yo-yo between starving myself and bingeing. I never felt I had an eating disorder...until I realized that my gorging and self-loathing are part of an eating disorder called OVER-EATING.
I felt so angry. Why couldn't I just STOP when my friends stopped? Why can't I eat the same things, in the same quantity, be the same size?
Why couldn't I shop at 5-7-9? (Answer: they didn't sell size 13 at 5-7-9)
Why didn't boys like me the way they liked my friends?
Basically...I hated myself. Miserable. Crawling out of my skin.
And ate MORE. Because...when you feel hopeless, why not?
After gaining MASSIVE amounts of weight in college, the first time I ever made progress towards real weight loss was in 2006, my senior year of college.
THIS IS MY THIN
I exercised, counted calories, and lost a good amount of weight.
I felt more toned---more good about myself. I didn't have to wear Spanx.
I did a lot of smiling.
BUT...
Then I started grad school. Stress. Less time to work out. Limited funds.
My first year, I gained 5 lbs. I remember thinking..."I'm going to nip this in the bud NOW."
By the end of 2nd year, the weight was creeping on more and more...
UNTIL I EXPLODED AGAIN.
High blood pressure.
35 lbs. of weight gain.
Self-loathing. mixed with denial. More eating. You get it.
I looked like a swollen tick.
By the time I graduated, I was a full-fledged fatty again.
So the question is...why do I allow this to happen? Why don't I buckle down and lose the weight?
Most of my time is spent somewhere in between "thin" and "fatty." I convince myself (I think) and those around me that I want to lose a little weight but that I'm happy with myself.
And it isn't all a lie. I do think I have a nice shape. I do think I have a "pretty face." But I'd love someone to just say that I'm "beautiful" or "gorgeous" and not qualify it...not say, "a pretty...face." I haven't had that many problems finding men that find me attractive. It doesn't seem that my weight factors into my dating life THAT much.
But the bottom line is...why don't I believe in myself?
I am positive that I CAN do this. I CAN lose weight.
But somehow...I give up.
Is it too hard?
I get angry...is it that I'm indignant because I think its unfair that its so hard for me?
When I think about my weight, and how I've let myself gain and lose so constantly...and how I've given up on myself...the words that come to mind are...
FAILURE.
SHAME.
WEAK.
UNLOVABLE.
LAZY.
I am so ready to beat this. I am so ready to stop avoiding scales. I want to feel beautiful head to toe. Of all the things I've accomplished in my life thus far...my weight is the only demon I've yet to conquer. I'm putting this out there to remind myself that I can do it.
I'm tired of loving myself so completely and HATING this one aspect of myself.
So, I'm going to LOVE myself completely. Take a deep breath. I will keep working on it. And I will become happier, healthier, and I will absolutely, positively, FINALLY, lose this weight.
Nothing will stop me.
