Checking the Damage.

Weighed myself. 169. 

Typically, a gain like this would DEVASTATE me. But I expected I might still not be back to baseline.

I mean, I hoped I would be.

Considering that, based on the calories I've cut the last nine days since I've been home and the workouts I've done, I SHOULD have been back to baseline.

And as disappointed as I am, I know I should expect to gain weight if I go crazy eating and drinking.
...I'm a little daunted by this though. 

Because...

This is the FIRST time I've allowed this. Allowed myself to completely go off the diet for longer than a day. And it's a preview right? Of how maintenance will be.

And looks like it's not going to be easy. 

I know I brought this on myself, but knowing how many calories I've cut...I've just got to say that it's obvious that my system was able to put weight back on REALLY easily.

Which is scary. 

Because even though I know I'll never be "off" this diet/lifestyle change, I had hoped that I could find a happy medium.

And who knows? Maybe I can...I did go off the diet quite a bit. But still! It was like FIVE days.
I've been back for NINE!!!

Hopefully I'll be back where I was ASAP...

Pushing forward...

Hi, I'm morbidly obese.

So...elephant in the room. 

I BINGED for days during my vacation. 

Alcohol, cheese, waffles, cake, mashed potatoes, bread. 

Stuff I very very rarely eat. 

I ate it all. 

I dont REGRET it, necessarily. 

It was a choice. 

And we all have to live with our choices. 

BUT...

I do feel pretty fat. 

I look in the mirror and see an obese person. 

I've been describing myself as "morbidly obese" all week. 

Because that's how I feel. 

Because I'm so crazy, I haven't weighed myself yet. 

I'm planning on doing that next Friday. 

I've been trying to accept that vacations happen. 

Binges happen. 

Life happens. 

Trying to remove the emotion from eating. Good or bad. 

But I keep thinking...

"I shouldn't have had that second beer at the bonfire." 

"I could've done without that extra piece of cake." 

"Why didn't I stop eating the Wheat thins?"

"How come I didn't walk away from the cheese?"

And alcohol. Whoa. I NEVER drink these days. 

I drank SO much. 

Sugary, girly drinks. Wine. Beer. 

IRISH CAR BOMBS. 

I'm trying not to beat myself up. I'm back on the horse now. As of last Wednesday, there were 53 days until my cruise with Brian. And I've calculated that to lose 10-12 lbs. by then I need to be at a deficit of 850 calories daily. And for the last three days (and this morning), I've eaten well, worked out, and been a rockstar. 

Trying to breathe, and dig myself out. 

And remind myself that I'm not morbidly obese anymore. 

Twenty-nine.

I originally started this blog to short out my feelings regarding being in my "late" twenties.

That was a full TWO years ago.

And this week, I turned 29.


Which wasn't as traumatic and anxiety-provoking as I thought it would be. 


For my entire life, I've been a planner. 
And a dreamer. 
I've had ideas about where I imagine I'd be in...5 years...10 years...
At 25. At 30. 

And the conflict between my inner expectations and my actual life creates some anxiety for me. 


But...today...I don't necessarily feel badly about my life choices or where I'm at.
I think this year has been HUGELY impactful in my personal outlook.

this photo was taken just before my 28th birthday

I actually felt pretty good after seeing this photo because I was in the process of starting to lose weight. And I actually don't look THAT big in this photo compared to what I USED to look like. I actually think you can see in my posture in this photo that I feel pretty good about myself. 

This year has been a huge journey, and I think that my biggest progress and changes have been obvious: 

1. My health

2. My relationship 

 This photo was taken on my 29th birthday. 

As much PHYSICAL change has occurred, the MENTAL changes have been far greater.
Anyone who has lost a large amount of weight will tell you that it's incredibly challenging, mentally.
You get to the bottom of WHY you became obese. This clarity doesn't come from dieting and exercise.

And let me tell you---it's exhausting.

And let me also say, you will NEVER maintain your progress without MENTAL WORK.
EMOTIONAL work.

SOUL SEARCHING. 


Which is a JOB in and of itself, but it has made me incredibly HAPPY. 

I am able to HAPPILY pose next to my GORGEOUS friends and NOT feel like a WHALE.

I cannot convey enough how FREEING it is to STOP WORRYING about how you look. 

Friends and co-workers have called me "nuts" and "over the top"when it comes to this stuff. 

But the physical work of making good choices and staying fit...

are NOTHING compared to the PIT in your stomach when you feel GROSS. 

Honestly. I would feel like I was crawling out of my skin. 

...and the people that comment about my choices have probably never felt that way. 

But the fact remains, I am THRILLED with the changes I have made. 

The weight (ha) has been lifted. I no longer feel the need to constantly adjust my clothing. 

To HIDE. 

Do you know how many times in 29 years I've been told I have such a pretty face? 

Every time, it was like a punch to the stomach. 

Not a compliment. 

No one says that to me anymore. No one. 

And then there's Brian.
We were already back together at my birthday last year. Well, not officially. But dating and re-building.
We have both grown this year.
We resolve conflict better, communicate better, compromise better.
He has expanded his horizons. I have learned patience and to relax. 

Giving up my "dream" of being married before 30 has allowed me to build a truly lasting relationship, and it has decreased my stress.

I won't lie--I wouldn't HATE being engaged by 30.
But that remains to be seen.


So I find myself at 29.
Happy. About to settle in with my boo. Working on the last stages of weight loss. Trying to save money. Growing professionally.



And I'm thinking...I'm still a work in progress.

But this has been a year WELL SPENT!!!

Who goes to Arkansas & Kansas for Vacation?

Today is my 29th birthday. Officially 2 years since I started this blog. 

(And makes me think about the shelf life of my blog name, "twenty. seven."

I'll share my feelings about this new milestone ASAP. 

But for now, a little re-cap of my vacation visiting my long lost friends!!! 

I visited Bentonville, Arkansas to visit my girl Ann. Our weekend started with tickets to Northwest Arkansas Fashion Week. We got fancy and look some pics, suitable for framing if I don't say so myself!!! 

Last Friday was gorgeous! 80 degrees. Sunny. Perfect. 

We enjoyed daytime cocktails, amazing dinner, and went to the Museum of American Art to see the Norman Rockwell exhibit. 

We enjoyed a Bonfire at Ann & Justin's friend Snow's house. So much fun! Food and new friends! 

It was so wonderful to see my friend! We had such a good time, and it's rejuvenating to re-unite with people you are close to! I am so excited to see Ann & Justin get married this fall!!! 

And THEN I rented a car and drove about 260 miles across Arkansas, Missouri, into KANSAS!!! Because Wichita is the home of my long lost Big and Small Spoons, Angela & Gabe!!! The drive was quick and uneventful, and before I knew it, I was in Wichita! 

I spent two days with this ADORABLE chunk of muffin! 

I am so excited to meet my little "niece" Lyla! 

I am irrationally excited to be her Auntie!!! 

We played, and had chat time. 

(Including some pretty great chats with mom & dad, who I've missed dearly.) 

Lyla and I even squeezed in a photo shoot!!! 

 Not impressed. 

 Hey Girl!!! 

Shock.

Could you just DIE with this little doll? I could eat her. (And I did.) 

Ang & Gabe moved back to Kansas over two years ago now. Every time I see them it's exciting and fun, but it's been a long time yet---and I never saw Angela pregnant and this is my first time meeting Lyla. It's so touching to see my kind, amazing friends that have become kind, amazing parents. And sitting in their living room, sipping Gabe's home brew, chatting and laughing, reminded me just how MUCH I've missed them!!! But it also reminds me that true friendships transcend separation and the passage of time!!! 

So looking forward to this summer and fall, when I will see both Ann & Justin's wedding and enjoy Ang & Gabe's visit to the East Coast! I am beyond excited! 

Happy Birthday Grampy!

Just wanted to take a quick moment on this Sunday night to dedicate a post to one of my favorite guys. 

My Grampy, known as "Big Ed" to most people, turned 92 this week. 

We had a little party for him today, at the nursing home. 

The Birthday Boy

As many of you know, my Grampy as Alzheimer's. We are lucky that his progression has been relatively slow. He has bad and good days, often forgets words, has trouble keeping up in conversation and expressing himself. But we are blessed that he hasn't lost his personality. And I thank God every time I go to see him and he still recognizes me and gives me a kiss. But I know that won't always be the case. And even though we couldn't manage to care for him at home anymore, I still see him quite often. He has daily visitors. 

This picture was taken in 2006, at his 85th birthday soiree. As you can see, the last seven years have aged him a lot.

My grandfather is a man of distinction. 

He is what some people would call a character. He has a big personality.

Hundreds of friends. Zero enemies.

People tell stories. Everybody knows "Big Ed."

Even in the nursing home, he flirts with the nurses and assistants, purring and winking.

And...he pretty much taught me how to be AWESOME. 

Big Ed knows how to work hard. He worked hard all his life. He also knows how to relax and have a good time.  He can tell a joke. (When he was in his prime he was HILARIOUS.) He might not tell jokes of his own anymore, but he definitely enjoys a good laugh. He is patient. Literally never raised his voice to me EVER. (And I spent WEEKS with him in Maine.)  Has been known to sing along to old songs (and to add special endings to songs like "happy birthday"), once impaled himself on deer antlers and fixed it with bag balm and scotch tape (instead of going to the ER), and loves Ginger Brandy. He drank some today actually.


I know my Grampy has lived an amazing life. He represented America in the Pan-American Games in marksmanship. He was drafted by the St. Louis Cardinals after high school (but his father wouldn't sign the permission for him to play--he was 17), served in WWII on a Navy repair ship in the South Pacific, was married to my Grammy for 61 years, had two daughters who spawned generations of family (including seeing a great-great grandchild.) He and my grandmother travelled the world. He has friends near and far. He survived malaria, dyptheria, cancer. He retired early, and spent 20 years enjoying Florida, Maine, & Hawaii with his wife. He has lived the kind of life many people envy. 

I know it's selfish to want more---because so many people don't have any of their grandparents. 
I've been LUCKY. 

But I wish he didn't have to live with Alzheimer's. 


In the end, my family celebrated today. His life, all he has accomplished, all he has meant to us.
And while he might not have been the person telling all of the jokes, he was still there to laugh with us.
Because who he really is is still there---in that twinkle in his eye!


And he still enjoyed a cup or two of ginger brandy! 



Happy Birthday, Grampy! Love you! 

Just Keep Swimming.

The good news: I'm back down to 167, my lowest weight ever. 

The bad news: It just two weeks to lose two pounds (working out 5-6 days a week.) 

CONFESSION: I cheated BIG TIME at Rachael's. 

I ate six cake pops. 

Approximately 15 chocolate pretzel bites.

And a good amount of buffalo chicken dip. 

(In addition to all the fruit, veggies, and dip I also ate, which I considered OK per my diet.) 

I still lost weight this week, though. 

(Makes you wonder how much I would have lost without the cake pops haha.) 

But more about where I'm at. 

167 is symbolic. 

(and stresses me out.) 

Here's why: 

1. The last time I weighed this was in 8th grade. 

2.  I maintained a weight between 167-170 (eerily similar to the last MONTH 

of my life, right?) for a full TWO YEARS, meaning my body LOVES being this size. 

Nutritionists would call this a "set point."

3. The last time I was UNDER this weight was in 6th grade. 

I wasn't even fully developed yet. 

I weighed 156. (Which is HEAVIER than my goal.) 

I'm not sure if I can reach a weight that is, technically, "Pre-pubescent."

(Or at least, "Mid-pubescent" haha.) 

 4. I weighed 141 in 4th grade, 156 at the end of fifth grade. Meaning I am aiming for a weight 

that I weighed in ELEMENTARY school. 

5. I'm not saying I can't do this. I'm just saying that I have a sneaking suspicion it's about to get HARD.

Like, REALLY HARD. 

 Example: Lane and I at the cabin. I'm 15 in the picture, meaning I weighed about 185. This picture was taken almost 14 years ago. I have been heavy so long, it's a little scary to think that maybe my body won't cooperate with the plan!!!




BUT WITH ALL THAT SAID...

I'm going to give it my all. Maybe I'll reach a weight that's slightly higher than 150 and be satisfied. Maybe not. But I'm going to try and just breathe, relax, do what I need to do, and see what happens.

Keep pushing, pushing, pushing...





On an un-related note: 

I am going on a little mini-vaca to visit some long-lost friends/loves this week! I leave Thursday to go visit Ann in Arkansas, and to see Ang & Gabe (AND LYLA!!!) in Kansas. I'm so excited!!! There will definitely be posts about this next week!!!! 

Torn...

When is enough, enough? 

Today I'm feeling mentally fatigued from fighting the good fight.

Because I gained weight last week, I didn't have a cheat day last weekend. So I haven't had any contraband in the last 2 weeks. Been trying to eat REALLY well.

Last night I went to a benefit for one of the kiddos at Schwartz which was a wine tasting event.

I WAS STARVING. 
And because of my caloric intake requirements, I could only drink 8 oz. wine.

I ended up leaving a little early...because it was so difficult to be in a party environment and not able to eat or drink anything! Because my calories were done!

It's exhausting. 

And tonight...Rachael is having a birthday party for Adam.
And I'm OK not drinking anything...

But I'm so TIRED of not EATING with everyone else! Being able to RELAX at a party and just ENJOY myself!!! 
I try to blend in---to feel like I'm indulging as well--but it doesn't always work. (Because I'm NOT.)


I've gone running both yesterday and today...and I find that on the days I run in the morning I am SO hungry all day. 


So here I am, 3:30pm, I've had 900 calories today.
I'll need to eat a little something (probably at least 200-300 calories) between now and the party.
Which leaves like...300-400 calories for the party.
Which is...not much.
So chances are, I'm going to be hungry and deprived AGAIN. 



And I'm so torn...

Because on one end, I want to push through tonight, stay UNDER my calories, control myself.

And on the other end, I'm exhausted! And frustrated! And I feel like I need a break! But I don't want to regret it next week!


Isn't that the basis of internal conflict when it comes to our obstacles? 
"I want to push through!" vs. "I feel like I need a break!" 


Most people would say that you need to make sure that "I want to push through" overrides that "I feel like I need a break." 


I mean, I think it all the time. 

At 6pm at work when I'm tired and want to go home.

At 6am when I don't want to get out of bed.

On the treadmill when I want to push stop.

In the kitchen when I'm faced with delicious food.

When everyone around me is indulging.

I PUSH AND PUSH AND PUSH...


When is enough enough? 




So the jury's still out on what I'll allow myself tonight.

I've decided that there's no "wrong" answer.
Just a decision to make.

Give myself a break, or push through.

And in the end, no one has to live with it except for me. 

I LOVE SOUP

Figured I'd share a little soup recipe I just made up (based on portuguese kale soup)...which came out great! And is SUPER healthy and nutritious!

I recently substituted kielbasa for linguica in kale soup, and used cannelini beans instead of potatoes (this was DELICIOUS, by the way)...but wanted to find a way to incorporate lentils (super healthy), leaner kielbasa, and sweet potatoes. I also threw in hot peppers, which boost metabolism and add a kick. Of course, feel free to tweak this to your needs/tastes. Not everyone likes spicy stuff!


                                    


What You'll Need: 
1 pkg. turkey polska kielbasa
1 sweet yellow onion
2 red chili peppers
1 medium sweet potato
3/4 cups lentils (measured dry)
10 cups kale
32 oz. vegetable stock
4 cups water
salt & pepper

And ONE pot. Coated if possible.

Prep: Cut sweet potato, onion, and pepper into tiny cubes. If kale is not chopped, chop this as well.
Slice kielbasa to your liking (I do semi-circles).

Cooking:
1. Brown kielbasa lightly, over medium heat, in bottom of pot. If it's not coated, you'll need to use cooking spray to prevent sticking.

2. Add stock.

3. Add onions, peppers, sweet potato, and lentils. I added garlic salt & pepper but you can season this as you'd like. Bring to a rigorous boil.

4. Once boiling, lower heat to medium-high. Slowly add kale.

5.  Lower heat to medium for 15-20 minutes. It's necessary to cook on medium OR medium high for some period of time so that the sweet potatoes soften. Stir frequently.

6. After 20 minutes, add 4 cups water. Mix, lower heat to low/medium-low and simmer for 30-45 minutes, stirring occasionally.

7. Your soup is done. I like to turn the heat off and let the soup cool slightly.


So...what's the nutritional breakdown?

Total calories for the pot: 1200 cal. :) 

Total yield: 10-11 cups. 

Breakdown is 110-120 calories per cup.  AWESOME!!! 
Each cup has ~ 7 grams protein, 3 grams fiber, 3 grams fat (<1 gram saturated) 

PLUS: TONS of Vitamin A, C, calcium, and iron!!! 

It's delicious. (If I don't say so myself.)
Even Brian said, "Hey, that's not bad!"
(Which means that for healthy food it's REALLY good.)

ENJOY!!! 

Meh.

So.

168. 

I lost a pound.

I should be happy right? Well...I'm not devastated, but not exactly happy.

I was SUPER consistent this week. And I expected to maybe bounce back to 167, where I was before.

Maybe even lose more weight...

Ugh. 
Those secret hopes will kill ya.


I'm getting my period today (TMI?) so this MAY be bloat, not sure.  The constipation issue is mostly resolved (wow TMI #2) and I am very well-hydrated. I am going to do one more week at this intensity to see what's up. See what I need to do to move forward.


It's possible that I just need to be a little lower in calories to push past this plateau.
Or that I need to amp up the exercise MORE.
Or both. 


Because this IS a plateau, and I am fairly certain that this is why I'm having trouble pushing past it.
In 7th and 8th grade, I weighed between 167 and 170 for a couple of YEARS.

And wouldn't you know it? My body remembers.
And LIKES it. 

OR I'm gaining muscle.

I've heard probably 20 times this week how thin I look.
"Are you losing more weight?"
"You look so tiny!"

Ironically, these comments make me INSANE inside (despite the heartfelt "thanks!" that I respond with)...because I want to scream,

"NOPE. I'm not losing ANYTHING. I'm staying the SAME. It's EXHAUSTING! But THANKS!!!" 

The thing is, I've been at a plateau before. 
185-187 lbs. It sucked.  Read it HERE:  Previous Horrible Plateau

So I'm not giving up. I didn't give up 20 lbs. ago and I'm not giving up now. I didn't lose 72 lbs. to be a quitter.

Sigh. 

Deep breath. 

Trudging forward....