Judgment Day.

So today is the day. Weigh-in day. 

3 weeks of writing down everything I ate. 

Exercising 5 days weekly, no excuses. 

No random delicious shit. 

I was honestly TERRIFIED of what the scale would day. Scared that after my hard work, I wouldn't be rewarded. Wouldn't know where to go from here. Maybe feel like it wasn't worth it. 

BUT...

I lost 5 lbs!!! 

I really do carry weight EVERYWHERE. And you know where I noticed the loss the most this week? 

My FINGERS. 

This opal ring was my mom's. She gave it to me. It has NEVER, in the history of my life, FIT my ring finger. Only my chubby pinkie. I've always loved it but thought it looked silly on my pinkie. And now I can wear it!!! My ring finger used to be about an 8.5, and I'm pretty sure this ring is a 6.5 Yay!  

In un-related news...

Grampy was amazed by the fact that my IPhone takes pictures. 

So we took this one when I went to visit him last week! 

And the biggest news of the week...

My friend Annie left for Arkansas. :(

Overall, it's a great thing. She and her fiancee have a great new life waiting for them. 

And I'm so happy that she's happy. 

But...I already miss my friend!!! 

 (This is a cute pic of us in Plymouth. Except for the excess weight...wah wah wah)

Going to miss our shopping, venting/chats, coffee, adventures in Plymouth and running. 

But, like so many things, time moves us forward and things change. 

But now I have a long-distance friend and someone to visit in Arkansas. 

Good luck to Annie and Justin! See you soon!!! 

Kielbasa Pasta? Yes please!

I was talking to Brian the other day, and concluded that merging our tastes into one menu has definitely contributed to my weight gain.

I am constantly trying to find new things to cook for us. Making him try veggies. Finding ways to make meals balanced but palatable to both of us. Ugh. Difficult with a man who thinks Pasta Roni is a food group.

In what will come to be known as the "Pre-weight loss era" (a.k.a. when I was fatter), I cooked DELICIOUS and VERY unhealthy foods at times. Meatloaf sliders with cheese on potato buns...Chili cheese dip...pierogies sauted in butter...chocolate peanut butter truffles...(all so good. all so fattening.)

We even bought a deep fryer. (Sweet Jesus.)

One thing I started cooking this summer (when I was on a more...ahem..."relaxed" weight loss plan) was BOWTIE PASTA WITH KIELBASA.

I lightened the recipe, but its not exactly Lean Cuisine.

Brian has been requesting it for WEEKS.



So. I made it today.
ANNNNND officially counted the calories in it. (EEK)

Guess what?
ITS NOT THAT BAD FOR YOU!!! 


So I'm sharing the recipe below. It tastes like it has a LOT more calories than it does. Rich and delish!

BOWTIE KIELBASA PASTA

Ingredients: 
-1/2 box Barilla Plus Farfalle (I like Barilla because it has a higher protein content and better nutritional profile. Another option is Dreamfields low Gluten. That's good too.)
-1 jar of Classico LIGHT Alfredo sauce.
-1 large (15oz.) can of peas
-1 package turkey polska kielbasa
-1 cup chopped onions
-1 tbsp. olive oil (optional)

Start by browning onions over medium heat. (This is where the optional olive oil comes in. I didn't use it today, I used Pam instead. It adds ~30 calories/serving.) While onions are browning, cut up kielbasa.

Add Kielbasa to onions and cook for ~5-10 minutes over medium/high heat until the kielbasa is slightly reddened/browned.

Then, add the entire jar of sauce. Mix well. Reduce heat to low-medium and simmer ~10-15 minutes, covered, stirring often. Start boiling water for your pasta.

When you first add the alfredo sauce, the scent of cream/cheese is dominant in the pan. Once the mixture smells mostly like the kielbasa (10-15 minutes) you know it's ready to have the peas added.
Add the entire jar of peas. Put your pasta in the boiling water too.

Add 1/8 cup of water to the mixture and cover. Simmer over low-medium heat for 10 minutes, as the pasta cooks. When you drain pasta, remove sauce from heat and let sit for a couple minutes. Add drained pasta to the sauce and mix well together. Once mixed let sit 1 minute. Serve.

The finished product is delicious! Rich and filling. Here's the nutritional breakdown:

Yield is 4 servings (large portions--because that's what I like!!!! A smaller serving could easily be enough for someone else, especially if you add a veggie.)
525 calories/serving.
19 g. fat
30 g. protein

True, it's a little higher in fat than I'd typically eat...BUT...I find that the fat makes it very satisfying and filling. As part of a reduced fat diet it's ok to eat something with a little more fatty-ness to it! (At least that's how I feel!)


SERIOUSLY. If you like creamy pasta dishes and like kielbasa you will LOVE this! Just wanted to share! Happy Sunday!

What I'm Loving: October Edition

A 3-week push towards fitness impacts my life in the following ways:

1. I don't drink at all (And therefore have no funny stories about the Betty Whites)
2. I don't eat any new delicious meals to share.
3. I am boring.

Hence, the reason why I haven't posted in 2 weeks.

BUT, in response to a request from Lane, I decided to post SOMETHING.

Starting with an update about the aforementioned 3-week push; I weigh in next Friday. I'm getting nervous/excited. I'm DEFINITELY smaller. So I'm partly excited to see the results, partly nervous that they won't be what I've hoped. Looking back at my food diary, the accountability has been amazing. It's definitely resulted in eating less and making better choices. So we will see what happens on Friday.


I figure I can do a little piece-meal post about what I'm loving lately...

Skinny Vanilla Lattes from Starbucks

*130 Calories for a Grande
It's a delicious way to bridge the gap when I'm hungry but not starving and want something to sip on. Pumpkin Lattes from Dunkin (my fave) are not available sugar free, so this is a better option!!! I'm also enjoying Bailey's Pumpkin Spice creamer, which is 35 calories/TBSP and delicious!!!

Light Butter with Canola Oil

I'm a believer in "real" foods.  Margarine is full of processed nonsense that your body doesn't even recognize. Your liver spends so much time trying to filter out the crap that you're not metabolizing the real stuff properly. Therefore, I like that this is "real" butter, but lightened up! The canola oil makes it spreadable, but when it melts, it tastes REAL (because it is!).  50 calories/TBSP

Veggie of the Week: Turnip!

35 calories/cup cubed cooked. Delicious and relatively low-cal. Mmmmm.

 Store of the week: Francesca's! 

Annie and I went a couple weeks ago when I realized that this awesome place (which i THOUGHT was only at Garden City and in Newport) has opened other locations! Including Cape Cod Mall, Derby St, and Providence Place! I got this turquoise necklace for so cheap! 

Workout of the Week: Rollerblading on the Canal

We've had some GORGEOUS weekend days and I've enjoyed getting fit AND spending time with my boo! We took this pic this morning.

First Holiday Purchase: Merino Wool Blend Chevron Skirt

It's like a Skirt-sweater! So comfy and warm! Ann Taylor had a 30% off sale so I snagged this! Still trying to decide how to style it...suggestions welcome!!!



So that's my random hodgepodge of cool stuff!!! I will update on Friday after my weigh in! Let's hope its a good one!!!

FINGERS CROSSED!!!

THE PLAN

So, after a pity party on Friday, I re-grouped. Called my girl Jeri to see if we could have a chat.

RAN TEN MILES that morning. Like a boss. (Actually, I was exhausted.)

Went over to see Jeri and talk about the whole thing. Vented. Discussed all the issues, emotions, blah blah blah...and between her guidance and my own ideas, I decided on this plan:

1.) It's a 3-week plan. I will weigh in on 10/26. I will not weigh myself until then.
2.) FOOD DIARY. A must. The food is definitely a big part of the issue.
3.) No random treats/extras, alcohol, cool whip, popcorn, or Pumpkin lattes.
4.) Amp up the exercise as able. (I already feel more motivated after running 10 miles on friday.)
5.) Drink plenty of water.
6.) No late-night indulgence. Try to remember helpful tips (like green tea) that used to work.
7.) Calorie and portion control is huge.
8.) NO EMOTIONAL EATING.
9.) Prep food as much in advance as possible to avoid pitfalls such as forgetting snacks or eating poorly on the run.


If all else fails, I may go see a nutritional counselor. I'd like to do this on my own but I'm not above getting help if I need it, because this is really important to me.

AND I was wearing a baggy dress (one that I love but that doesn't really fit anymore) when I went over to hang out with Jeri (at Lynne's house, where she is house-sitting.) AND her dog Bentley was all up in my shit (he's not fixed yet, and I'm looking pretty hot these days, SO...) to make him give me some breathing room...

I FED HIM MY HUGE FAT DRESS

He loved it. 

It's win-win. Bentley got to "chew" on me all he wanted. I got rid of some of my bigger clothes. 

It was motivating and cathartic. I wonder how many of my fat clothes I could let Bentley chew on...

A Fear of Failure

One of the reasons that I let my weight get out of control was my fear of getting started.

Deep down, I knew I needed to lose a LARGE sum of weight. The thought was daunting. The fear that I would try and fail plagued me. I convinced myself that I had control over my body. That whenever I wanted to lose weight, I could. That my fear had nothing to do with it. That it was a choice.

Facing the demon was an act of sheer frustration at first. I was disgusted with myself. I was also motivated by the idea of CONTROL. In a period of time (last December) when my life felt OUT of CONTROL, I used this new endeavor to get the power back.

And it WORKED.

For months. Nine months. Even this summer, when I was plateaued, I knew that it was because I had relaxed my diet and exercise. I was in CONTROL of my body.

I just KNEW that as soon as I re-committed to this, I would continue to drop weight.


And...

I'm just STUCK.




I was so angry last week. Bitter that I gained a pound.
Now I just feel like an absolute failure. 

I find myself, today, facing my greatest fear. I am afraid I won't be able to keep doing this. That I am not strong enough. That, like my mother, there is something WRONG with me. 
I've watched her struggle. I convinced myself that I'm not like that. I'm stronger. I can do it on my own. I can face my weight loss without gimicks, surgeries, Biggest Loser style 6-hour workouts, or crash diets. 


This is the first time since I started this that I'm honestly doubting myself.
Keep exercising five times a week and not losing weight.
Keep pushing when I'm tired or upset.

The reality is, my diet hasn't been PERFECT.
But it's been pretty darn good.
I've been wracking my brain trying to figure out what's happening. WHY CANT I LOSE MORE WEIGHT.
What am I eating wrong? What am I DOING wrong?

So, this week, I am making the following changes:
1.) I am keeping a detailed food diary. 
2.) I am going to ELIMINATE sources of empty calories that appear to be issues for me.
     a) No popcorn at trivia (OR IN GENERAL)
     b) No cool whip on my sugar free pudding
     c) No alcohol (Not that I normally drink any)
     d) No snacking at work
     e) No extra delicious shit. (Like the occasional pumpkin latte.)


I guess I just feel defeated. I know it's my fault. I'm the one that eats the food, I'm the one that exercises.  No one is responsible for this except for me. But these feelings of fatigue and stress and frustration are starting to take over.

Work has been stressful. Long days. I get home and I am so TIRED. And then I start thinking, "What's the point of putting myself through this? Another work out to not lose any weight?"



But the workouts aren't the problem. The food is the problem.


I eat too much. 


And someone who has never struggled with this would find it hard to understand...but...there are times that the compulsion to eat is so strong that it's like torture to resist it.

And because I'm so tired and frustrated, I just...give in.

Make the bad (or not as good) choice because I'm just so damn tired.

Tired of fighting with myself for YEARS over this.

And being angry won't help anything. But I'm angry.

THIS ISN'T FAIR. 


Why am I so messed up that I can't just DO what I need to DO? 
Why does it seem to be so much harder for me to make good choices? 
Why is it SO DAMN EASY for SO MANY PEOPLE and SO F***ING HARD FOR ME????


I feel that, if I don't get control over these negative thoughts and emotions and take the CONTROL back from the food, I will fail. I will fail because my resolve is slowly crumbling.

And the reality is, no amount of "you look so skinny!" or "don't worry its all muscle!" makes a person feel better when they know, deep down, that they are failing.