So, as anyone who knows me well (or reads this blog) is aware, I am pretty much all-consumed with weight-loss these days. Food choices. Exercise. Etc.
It's pretty boring.
I'm a lot of things, both good and bad. But BORING is rarely one of them. I can feel people around me becoming bored/exasperated with my current state of mind. And that's hard for me, because I'm not trying to bore the shit out of people, or frustrate them.
I've got conflicting feelings about this. On one end, I totally get it. Whenever someone is obsessed with one thing ONLY, I can imagine that listening to it gets old. On another end, I'm a little perturbed by the whole thing. I mean, I feel like I'm doing something really important.
I have heard the following comments in the past few weeks (in no particular order):
"You need to just relax. Stop focusing on it so much."
"38 more pounds is a LOT of weight. Are you sure you need to lose that much?"
"You're pretty focused on the size that you are. So I hope you can look at the big picture."
"You're like, obsessed with this."
"Don't be so hard on yourself! Don't be mean to yourself!"
OK. Here's the soapbox. Let me preface this by saying that each and every person who said the above things to me is, I truly believe, trying to be helpful. I also would like to share that every person on the above list has NEVER tried to lose 70 lbs.
Let me break it down for everyone:
1.) I need to be FOCUSED. When I lose my focus, I gain weight. I don't have the metabolism, track record, self-control, or energy to stop focusing on this. I KNOW MY HISTORY. I know what it felt like to "just relax" and gain 30 lbs. back. I know what it feels like to have someone discredit you by calling you "fat", as if its the most disgusting thing a female can be. (And I'm pretty sure, that in this society, you're more desirable if you've got an STD than if you're obese.)
2.) I am not going to stay chubby and mediocre so that everyone else will be more comfortable with my personality, life choices, or so that I will be more "entertaining." I have been a fat, fun chick for 28 years. So excuse me if I've decided to take a break from being SUPER FUN every second and actually working towards MY happiness. Believe it or not, I don't exist simply to entertain you.
3.) I can assure you, I have AT LEAST 38 lbs. to lose. No, it is not too much. It's almost like, if a girl is fat and decides to change her life, I get the OPPOSITE effect now, where its like, I'm going to let myself lose TOO much.
4.) Don't be so hard on myself? My BMI was 35 in December! I wore a size 18. I had no neck! It's not self-hatred, I'M FINALLY LOVING MYSELF!!! I'm not allowing myself to be unhealthy! I'm not allowing myself to PRETEND that I'm feeling good, when I feel like I'm crawling out of my skin! Saying that I "don't want to be fat anymore" isn't mean. It's reality. And it doesn't make me feel badly, it makes me feel motivated, accomplished and focused on my GOAL. It doesn't matter what you weigh, if you feel good about yourself. But I can assure you, the internal dialogue I had going on before I started losing weight was MUCH MEANER than saying I don't want to be fat.
So, anyway. I just needed to say that. I know you're all behind me. I know you're all having to listen to this, bored by this, have OPINIONS about this, etc. And I DO put it all out there, so in that way, I am opening myself up to these opinions.
But, my friends, please remember...
THIS IS THE THING I'VE WANTED MOST FOR MY WHOLE LIFE.
To feel like I can beat this.
Please don't try to knock me down.
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