I'm just so frustrated. More than being tired of one aspect in particular (the bingeing, the limiting of my intake, the chewing/spitting, etc) I'm tired of the battle. I'm tired of it being so damn HARD for me. I feel so screwed up.
And, really, it's because I kind of AM screwed up.
In the head.
When it comes to FOOD.
I feel like I know that food shouldn't have this POWER. I know it shouldn't. I know that I should forgive myself for indulgences, I know I SHOULD moderate my intake, get used to eating little bits of indulgent foods and smaller portions. I know I should "EAT TO LIVE" and use food as fuel only.
I know, I know, I know.
Logically and intellectually, I know. But I'm struggling, emotionally.
So completely consumed with guilt and self-loathing. So tired. So frustrated. With myself.
Just absolutely sick of my own shit.
Why can't I just control this? Why am I such a failure at this? Why can't I stop eating once I start bingeing? WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY.
If you don't have eating issues, this might not make much sense.
But I thought I'd share my honest thoughts. No filter. I typed for 2 minutes, exactly what I was thinking. I'm quite upset with myself for being unable to resist bingeing last night at my work Christmas party and then having 2 pieces of red velvet cake today. So here's what I'm thinking, after the binge.
"I've worked so hard. I can't let it slip away.
I'm so tired. I'm so frustrated. I can't keep this up.
This isn't fair.
You are disgusting. You are obese.
You are a failure at this.
You can recover from this. It's just a little blip.
If you'd stop doing this, you'd make more progress.
You're going to turn into your mother.
You give food too much power.
It's very simple, just stop doing it.
I should let myself do it sometimes, or I'll go insane.
Maybe I could learn to puke it up. It's never worked but maybe I could learn.
I just won't eat dinner.
I should go work out. That will help.
I know I can't keep doing this, but I don't know how to fix this."
Maybe it's not pretty. It's not an update with me smiling, posting weight loss. Maybe it's not fun to read about the reality of what it's like to deal with this---but I'm going to put it out there. It helps me work through it. Helps me to be honest. I'm struggling, not so much with losing weight (since I've managed to maintain overall), but when it comes to how I feel about myself.
I hate that I haven't been able to change the power that I gave to food.
I haven't taken the power back yet.
And I have a sneaking suspicion that I'm not going to reach my goal until I do.
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