Thought I'd start this gloomy Friday with a feel-good post about Disordered Eating.
Eating Disorders are well known and receive a good amount of attention in the media. Any average person knows that Anorexia Nervosa and Bulimia are.
But
disordered eating encompasses a wide variety of conditions.
These include:
- Anorexia Athletica (compulsive exercising)
- Binge eating disorder (compulsive over-eating)
- Night Eating Disorder
- Disordered Eating--not otherwise specified (ED-NOS)
I wanted to share a revelation about myself that isn't particularly new to ME, but may not be common knowledge amongst my friends and followers.
I absolutely qualify to be diagnosed with ED-NOS.
**I'd like to preface this by saying that my eating issues are in NO WAY as serious as a clinical eating disorder such as anorexia and bulimia. I've known people with both, and they are much more serious than anything I've ever dealt with. But I wanted to share my story.**
Let's start at the very beginning. A very good place to start...
My weight has been fluctuating since I was a child.
I would bounce back and forth between being quite chubby and normal weight. I was always tall, always bigger than other kids my age.
I'd like to start by saying this is NOT my mother's fault. But I'm going to talk about her. Because your parents are clues to your future, and they do have an influence. My mother has been calling herself "fat" for my entire life. Her actual "fatness" varied over time, from just slightly chubby to morbidly obese. My mother tried several fad diets, making progress then backsliding, for my entire childhood. My mother, it should be noted, also sneaks food in secret.
*I've often wondered about a genetic component to disordered eating--but that's another post for another time.
I have had an unhealthy relationship with food my entire life. Even as a kid, I would sneak food, and hide the evidence. I would binge and lie about it.
When I started middle school, I was quite chubby, 156 lbs and 5'3" tall. While my legs were muscular, I wasn't fully developed yet and was quite overweight. As a 7th and 8th grader, I felt pressure to be thinner.
I HATED my body.
I don't remember hating my body, even when I was chubby as a younger kid. Being bigger than the other girls and feeling like boys didn't like me made me feel disgusting. And middle school age kids are cruel. I still remember being made fun of in 6th grade--like it was yesterday.
I close my eyes and I'm THERE. In 1996. Overhearing a boy (that I thought was cute at the time) saying to another boy after gym class,
"Did you see Laura trying to run?" and laughing about it. Hearing another kid say after we finished running a mile,
"The skinny, fast girls have almost done this twice by now."
I stayed ~167 lbs. for most of middle school, but got taller--5'6-5'7, and developed my boobs, which significantly thinned me out.
However, I did this by starving myself all day. No breakfast, throwing away my lunch.
And how could I NOT? After hearing kids make fun of me? After being passed over time and time again at school dances? After having to buy a size 14 when my friends bought size 4???
I would binge in the afternoons when I got home. I would exercise excessively for 3-4 days at a time to lose pounds and pounds and then stop doing it. I had what I call a "mini" eating disorder, since I didn't exhibit these behaviors all the time. I maintained that weight. Then gained again when I started high school. To about 185 lbs. Throughout high school, I bounced back and forth between 180-197 lbs. I tried Atkins. I tried starvation. I tried running (unsuccessfully.)
I tried low fat, low cal, you name it.
And at some point, being "fat" had become part of my identity.
I used to call it "curvy." I used to call myself bootylicious to pretend that I OWNED my curves. And it's not to say I hated myself completely--but I certainly HATED being overweight. I HATED my lack of self-control. I hated my size 16 jeans, by 38DD Grandma bras, weighing more than my boyfriend. I HATED that I never wanted to go running with friends because I knew I wouldn't keep up. I hated that at 16 years old, my Dad (who was 47 then) had more stamina to climb a mountain than I did.
Somehow the saddest part for me is knowing, now, how badly I really felt about myself. How much my weight issues de-valued me. The ways I let myself be "just friends" with guys I liked because I assumed no one would want me. The ways I struggled to hide more weight gain and just find clothing that made me feel 'OK'. It's hard to accept that I spent so many years that way.
In college, my weight climbed even higher. I binged for most of college. Spent freshman year gaining 20 lbs, spent the summer losing it. Spent junior year drinking and partying and ballooned to 245 lbs. For the first time ever being that big. Spent from June 2005-September 2006 getting back down to 210 lbs. I had a boyfriend for this entire time, which I think helped with my self esteem. I also think that it made me more complacent and allowed me to avoid how unattractive I actually felt.
I started Grad School in 2006 at 210 lbs. And I'd done that by eating well and exercising. This was the first time I ever tasted ACTUAL success. I wasn't thin or even normal weight, but I'd lost weight in a healthy way and this was the beginning of my success...
But as graduate school got more stressful, my weight crept up. In January 2008, my boyfriend of 6 years and I parted ways...
And by the end of 2008 (the worst year of my life)...I was 248 lbs. again.
I went to Guatemala, which was the saving grace of 2008. It gave me perspective. I resolved to finish graduate school and lose the weight again.
I graduated in 2009. By June 2009 I'd lost 30 lbs. I was back at 214 lbs.
Which is why, for SO long, 210-215 lbs. was my "thin" weight.
I learned about nutrition in graduate school. About recording what I eat. Exercising 3x/week. I got the job at Schwartz and dislocated my knee in the same week--a perfect storm for weight gain. I slowly gained. Started dating Brian in 2010. In late 2011, we broke up briefly. I gained to 240 lbs+ again.
It was this gain that helped me realize my pattern...
1. Go crazy to lose weight.
2. Lose.
3. Maintain briefly.
4. Slowly gain due to life stress.
5. Balloon due to extreme stress or life event.
And this was me. On my last day of my former life.
12/26/11.
SO UNHAPPY.
Tired of the cycle. Tired of trying and failing.
As I lost weight, I still fought my old demons.
To. this. day..
- I STILL BINGE.
- I STILL OVERCOMPENSATE AT TIMES BY RESTRICTING TOO MUCH.
- I STILL RUN MILES AFTER A CHEAT DAY.
- I STILL SNEAK FOOD AT NIGHT (not often, but it happens)
- I STILL LOOK IN THE MIRROR AND SEE A FAT PERSON.
I've gotten so much feedback lately. From people I haven't seen in years. Telling me my progress and success is "inspiring."
And I keep feeling like I'm deceiving them. Do you all know that I was afraid to confess what I weighed to ANYONE, ever before this? That NO ONE knew? That I didn't tell Brian, the love of my life, my weight until I knew it was less than what we weighed? That I still struggle with self-image and loving myself, and it doesn't go away and there isn't a magic pill you can take?
I climbed that mountain this year, and unlike the time with my Dad, didn't even get short of breath.
Did you know that I spent that same vacation weekend bingeing? Eating ice cream, prime rib, chips, cookies, pizza, and drinking? Do you know I gained 5 lbs and made myself sick from the binge? Do you know that I still struggle so much with bingeing that I don't even pretend to have control over it? I plan the binges ahead of time so I can maintain my weight in between. That's the reality.
Wore this bikini for the first time this year. Ever wearing one in public. Did you know I went on a 50 day psychotic push before this bikini? That involved cutting 800-1000 calories a day, every day, for almost 2 months? Did you know I got a spray tan so I could feel confident enough to show my stomach? Did you know there's different bottoms that go with that bikini top that made me look fat so I didn't wear them? And that I've only worn it once since?
Most recent pic--taken less than a month ago.
DID YOU KNOW THAT WHEN I BIT INTO THAT PINK CUPCAKE, the WINNING CUPCAKE, I WENT BACK TO GET ANOTHER BECAUSE ONLY EATING HALF MADE ME FEEL LIKE I GOT JIPPED???
I don't say this to complain, because I have gotten a handle over 80% of my issues. And I have been successful. And I am fitter, and proud. And I am a bad ass.
But that brings me to this...
Over the last month, I have developed a disturbing, new behavior.
Where I eat something I shouldn't and spit it out.
I've done this before, when I was younger. But this month, I did it three times.
And I'm confessing it here. Because chewing/spitting is at eating disorder. And it might not be a problem, YET, but it's just another chapter in my life.
Because skinny or fat, I will always have disordered eating.
Just like an addict is always an addict.
And this 162 lb. person has the same hang-ups as the 248 lb. person.
The moral of the story is:
- The story isn't over.
- No story is perfect. Neither am I.
- There is a lot more psychology to weight gain/loss than meets the eye.
