Truth: The last time I stepped on a scale (before today) was May 12.
I am embarrassed to admit that I avoided for so long.
I honestly am shocked that I fell off the wagon, when it comes to facing up to consequences.
This was a HUGE part of my weight gain and obesity in the past. And as part of my "getting real" and challenging myself, I committed to NOT avoiding my weight. NOT avoiding accountability.
And I failed in that aspect for the past three months. I completely avoided facing up to the scale.
I learned that you can lose 76 lbs. and you are the EXACT same person inside.
Same hang-ups. Same pit-falls. Same proclivity towards coping mechanisms.
I have avoided the scale, yes.
But I have been eating well, generally. And exercising.
One of my newest obsessions is sugar free pudding made with almond milk.
IT IS AMAZING.
I have been terrified.
Simply put.
Just sick with worry over my demons. Angry at myself for allowing it, scared to face up to it.
I found myself looking in the mirror and seeing myself obese again.
My internal dialogue going back and forth between,
"Just face it. This weight doesn't define you. Look how far you've come."
AND
"What if you've gained 20 lbs? Can you HANDLE that?"
The second statement being pure fear talking.
All my clothing fit fine.
My measurements were the same.
The photo below was taken last week. I CLEARLY have not gained 20 lbs.
And so a week ago, I bought a new scale.
Set it up next to my bed where I would see it each morning.
Told myself, "LAURA, ON FRIDAY YOU ARE WEIGHING IN." And each day I'd tell myself, "3 more days" or "1 more day" etc.
Even if you feel bloated and fat. Even if you haven't used the bathroom.
YOU ARE BITING THE BULLET.
YOU ARE PAYING THE PIPER.
BECAUSE YOU WILL ABSOLUTELY REGAIN YOUR WEIGHT IF YOU DON'T.
...This morning, I stripped down and looked at myself in the mirror.
I didn't LOOK fat.
I looked myself in the eye and said, "No matter what this scale says, I'll use it to motivate me. If it's high, that's just motivation. I lost it once, I can lose it again."
Tried to convince myself that I was NOT a failure.
And then, hands shaking and adrenaline pumping, I stepped on the scale...
That's right.
164.
I am the exact same weight as I was on May 12.
HOLY SHIT BALLS.
I just spent a month building it up, shaking, sweating and guilt-tripping myself...all for this weigh-in which showed I gained NOTHING!!!!
But at least I'm back on the wagon now.
Pounds lost: 76
Pounds to go: 16
Now that THAT'S over, how about a little preview of the next month???
It's WEDDING SEASON!!!
Up first: Next weekend in PA
PATRICK :)
My darling PT hubby (who now is going to be a REAL hubby so that joke needs to end) is marrying his longtime GF Betsy. I cannot begin to sum up my feelings about Pat in this post. He needs a post of his own. COMING SOON.
September 14 in NEWPORT
MY GIRL MEG!!!
September 21 in BUFFALO, NY (yeah, that's right.)
Ann (who needs to move back to Plymouth IMMEDIATELY)
Plus I have a wedding on October 5, my girl Tori from work! What a month it's going to be!!!
Also, just a note about my softball team, "NO GLOVE NO LOVE"
We lost in the Championships. Boo.
But I really love my team and feel like I made lots of new friends.
UNTIL NEXT YEAR!!!
COMING SOON: An Intimate Portrait of Patrick
And a WEIGHT UPDATE.
Stay tuned. :)
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